Well, here I am again. It seems like it was only yesterday that i was writing my last entry on here...hehe, j/k. I haven't written on here in ages, and honestly didn't expect to again. but time has a way of changing how you feel about things and well, i honestly needed an outlet. it's 1am and practically everyone i know is asleep so this is where i'm going to have to empty out all the thoughts flying around in my head...'cause honestly, there's a million of them at this point. "why?" you may be asking yourself.
well, 8 days and 15 hours ago(monday, april 10th, 2006, 10:00am) i got THE call. the call from my dr's office telling me i tested positive for HIV. yah. i know, GASP. or actually sigh, or cry, or whatever else you can imagine. i've done it all in the past week. so that's what's with the million thoughts and having to get them out. first off, i think i've come a damn long way since last monday when i found out.
i've heard of some people going out and getting wasted, or hiding in the comfort that drugs provide. i didn't. instead, i told my family, and leaned on them, and god...they have been the best. i mean i've always known how awesome they are, but i'm pretty sure anyone else who'd experience what i have, and felt the unconditional love and support that has come from them...well, anyone else would just be shocked that any sibling, aunt, uncle, cousin, friend could exude that much love. all i can say is that i am blessed. with that said, i'm also lost. i've never been here before and i feel so alone. it was easier dealing with my mom's death in a way 'cause everyone else in my family was going through the same thing. but none of them are actually in my shoes on this one. kinda feel like all they can do is sit on the sideline and offer their support from there.
it's been a roller coaster of emotions. one minute feeling totally optimistic, with my family's support, feeling i'm gonna beet this just as if it's a petty cold that my body can overcome with just a little bit of effort. then other times like now, when i'm sitting here reading all about the virus, i just feel so defeated already. just like hermione said in harry potter "fear of the name only increases fear of the thing itself" so i'm trying to face it head on. it's amazing how something so unbelievably small and seemingly insignificant can be so devastatingly destructive. and just reading about it, it almost makes me admire the simpleness and genius of it. fooling your own cells into thinking it's part of them so you yourself are essentially breeding the virus that's going to eventually overthrow your own defense. BUT! i have hope. i keep my chin raised high. and i try to keep faith that i WILL beat this and help make it a thing of the past. i won't get into what i think will help, 'cause honestly it might just seem a bit woo-woo and flighty to some out there. but to me, it may be the one thing that tips the scale in my favor. and along with some dandy man made drugs, i will prevail!
well, i started this entry out listening to a rather sad song on my shuffle and crying my eyes out. but all of this is out of my head at least, and it's even moved onto a rather happy song. i promise there will be more to come, quite often in fact. some uplifting, some sad, and hopefully mostly inspiring. so stay tuned if you'd like. if not, i bid you happy trails and a life well lived :)
Well, I'm back. Sorry I had to run out in the middle of last post. But I saw alot of my dancing friends and their family and a good time was had by all. SO! Where was I??? The night before last night(Tuesday) Frank invited me and Christine to dinner at his place 'cause his mom was making dinner for him and some friends. So I went by myself 'cause Christine didn't feel like hanging out much. I ended up ditching dance class and hanging out with Frank, Rachel, and a few more of his friends until I left at 11:00! Then last night we all went out to dinner at this nice little chinese restraunt. This is where I ran into my delima. See, I really like Frank and think he's a sweet-heart and he's totally hot. But Brandee brought her friend with her, Moses, who's also hot. Only difference is that I know Moses is gay, and still am not sure if Frank is. And on top of that, I really wanted to talk to Moses and get to know him, but I was too shy and said probably 7 words to him all night while probably grinning like a fucking retard. I'm damned if I do, I'm damned if I don't. So that's my delima. I was hoping Brandee, Mark, Rachel and Moses would come over to my place and hang out last night but they ended up getting to drunk before midnight. I'm glad at least they didn't go out and try to drive and just stayed where they were. So a fun time was had by all at my place regardless and I woke up this morning, all by myself in my bed...my new years resolution already broken. J/K :)
So I'm going to try and stifle my enfatuation with Frank until I have further reason to beleive he'd be interested in me, and hopefully someone will fall into my lap...no not literally :P
That's all I have for now. More to come later!
Yes...2003 has come(tee-hee) and gone and sadly enough, nothing terribly remarkable has transpired. My Christine-ee did come home(YAY) and I've met quite a few new fabulous friends and got a new job which means I'm FINALLY OUTTA BLOCKBUSTER!!! I guess that is a really good thing...OK, nevermind about nothing remarkable happening. So I'm slowly getting over my infatuation with...AGH! Ok, so my sister just called and a few weeks back I was invited to a new years day party today but was going to have to work...well, as circumstances would have it I ended up calling into work today with a wee bit o' the hangover. But as stated, my sister just called to see where I was, so I'm going to that. But tune in later, I'll lay out all the happenings of the past few days for ya. LATER GATORS!
Well, Monday is quickly coming(tee-hee) and going being uncharacteristically fantastic! Waking up at 5 I was actually excited to go to work. Why you may ask me? Frank of course! Yes, another day at work means another day I get to accidentally "bump" into him. As luck would have it Frank noticed Christine's beautiful new hair cut, care of Thomas Gay hair cutting institution. He then asked if she thought I'd cut his hair for him. IF THAT'S NOT A BOY ASKIN' FOR A DATE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT! Late on in class he invited Christine and me to go see another movie at the Mayan this Friday. So yet again, we have plans. YAY! Later on as I'm sitting at my computer helping my every growing queue of customers, Frank strolls on over to "bug me" as he told Christine. Little does the poor boy now, it was no skin off my back. So I tried to play it off cool like I didn't notice him walking over from the second he walked in the room. The second I looked up at him, nonchalantly of course, a customer called in and I got all flustered and put them on hold immediately. You just try to concentrate when he's smiling at you. So I chat with him for a second and send him on his way and back to the customers for me.
On the way home with Christine she mentions he gave her his phone number so of course so do I now. I go ahead and text message him and chat via message for the next hour in which he asks to see if I want to go to "the story of the year." I have no clue what it is, but that didn't stop me from saying yes. Christine then told me it was a punk rock show. So Tommy's now going to be dabbling in the world of punk rock. I guess this wasn't too unexpected to follow the black hair. I laid down to "rest my eyes" at 3:30 but I should have known better 'cause I just woke up at 7. It's taking a loooooong time to get use to this damn early morning work schedule. But I'm survivin'. So another day goes by, and hopefully one step closer to "making him mine!" <laughing maniacally> I'm hoping Christine will call when she's done with the Av's game with her mom then come over...but I'm not holding my breath. Nothing of her fault, we're both just wiped and sleep would probably be the best idea for us both...and no...not with each other. Well, I'm gonna go eat, but wish you all joy and happiness. LATES!
Well folks...here you have it. I finally hopped on the band wagon and got myself a live journal! I'm hoping this bandwagon will be better than that last one I hopped on. And let that be a lesson to you folks...no matter what anyone says...liquor and a roomfull of sexually deprived midgets make NOT, a nightful of fun. Anywho...tommorow starts another week at my fabulous new job. The only drawback is that I'm working 15 days "straight". That's right folks. For those who never thought I'd do anything straight, grab your cameras! But that equates to two extra days of pay on my next pay-check, so it's all good.
Looking back on this weekend, I can't beleive I'm still awake. Starting off with getting paid on Friday, me and Christine went to deposit our checks, where I got her to open a bank acct at my credit union. I felt like such a good influence. Then we went to Kohl's and bought a few items that had FASHIONABLE written all over them...NO! Not literally <shakes head in disgust>. BACK TO MY STORY! Later on that night me and Christine went to the ever gay paradise known as Diedrich's(which will be henceforth reffered to as D's), got some coffee and visited my friend Peter a few blocks away from D's. Christine was such a sport to sit through an hour or two of us gabbing on and on(like I'm doing now). On our way home we stopped by the grocery store and got some frozen pizza and stuff to make puppy chow. If you don't know what "puppy chow" is, I suggest you find somone who does and get them to make it for you. It's to DIE FOR! so after getting home we veged out and snacked until she went home in the wee hours of the morn.
<scene:cut to saturday night> Me and Christine get all sexed up in our fantastically gay outfits and go to D's for some coffee and to meet our fellow movie gowers. See, we have to have our caffeine 'cause Christine had an idea, that when first proposed to me, sounded completely insane! A midnight viewing of Amalie at the Mayan theater. But you know what, it was actually a WHOLE LOTTA FUN! So once we(me, Christine, Christine, Nicole, Nicole, Brandee, and Mark) got there we met up with Frank.
Frank...<yes he gets his own paragraph> is this new hottie in my life. He's in Christine's training class at work and I'm "totally crushing". I'm not sure which team he plays on, but keeping my fingers crossed. So Christine had set this all up and being the little vixen that she is and knows I like him, she coordinated this outting and invited him. So we meet him there and he's looking gorgeous of course. And he's being soooo sweet and chatting with me and time comes to fill into the theater and he hangs back, still chatting with me, and ends up sitting next to me. No it could just be my wishful thinking, but me thinks this was intentional on his part. Knowing my luck it was just coincidence...but hey, I'm a huge fan of wishful thinking.
So Amalie was AMAZING! I told Christine that independent films are my new thing, so there will be alot more posts of what good movies you all have to go see. Well, it's 10:30 and I have to be up in 6 hrs, so I'm gonna go shower and hit the hay. Sorry I couldn't write more(sarcasm folks) but I thought I'd just give you all a taste of my humor and sarcasm and bad grammar/spelling in my first installment. Who knows, this may all be transcribed into my "memoirs" one day when I'm president...or who knows, first lady. Well, G'NIGHT FOLKS and I wish you all a wonderful start of the week ahead.